pain, scream, cry. Hands,
breast, voices. Water, cotton, skin, eyes. Smiles. Rolling, humming,
walking. Brother. Lines, letters, words, books. Hard beaten brother. Crying,
screaming, begging brother. Fear.
Caring friends, funny cousins, drinking uncles, bitter grandma. Ill
brother. High school, boys, girls, parties. Journals, mathematics,
revolution. Engineering, Real Time Systems, student life. Teenage
friend becomes lover. Seminar on
cosy winter, countryside, thick snow. Sex. Seminar on women's rights.
Pregnancy, separation, abortion. Gap. Graduation, summer camp.
Amsterdam. Cleaning jobs, consultancy jobs. Datawarehouse and
Divorce. New job, technical management. Dinners out,
drinks, long evenings. Sunday Easter morning, phone call. Airport,
flight, home. Dark grey and much black. Chapel, coffin, brother.
Camera, picture. Coffin open, picture. Veil, picture. Unveil, picture.
Closer, picture. Hands, picture. Face, picture. Flowers, veil, coffin.
Fresh air. Funeral, priests, chorus, grave. Pieces of
earth are thrown on the coffin. I keep one in my hand, in my pocket.
Airport. Amsterdam. New boyfriend, new job. Trying, quitting. Writing.
space and a hot sun. Trains,
temples, sages, fellow travellers. Dreams, illusions, delusions.
Varanasi. Little piece of earth melts in early
morning dark waters of sacred Ganges. Goodbye
brother... Nepal, Himalaya.
Back to Europe, Bush, Iraq, war, crisis. Back to India. West
Bengal, Tagore's art school, village. Five years old, barefoot Akash
walks from the garden, his T-shirt full of tomatoes. His smile,
his chest are wide open: All
you! ... Varanasi, dance
scholars and fugitives, artists and beggars, yogis and
interview, intuitive painting. Agra,
romance. #metoo. Mountains, alone. Delhi. Back
to Europe. Friends,
food, spices, pictures, stories.
Rietveld Academy. New
management job, new media. Superwoman time, burn-out
time, quitting time. Writing.
again, dusty trains and noisy busses. Sanatana
Mood, a nine months journey.
retreat, Vipassana. Goa,
waves, soft sands
and fresh mangos. Motorbike drives and empty stories. Kerala, new year
party. Mysore - nothing, Bangalore - too much, Calcutta - illness,
Varanasi - hospital. Blood tests, scans, diagnosis, pills: sixteen a
day to start with. Krishnamurti centre. Books, healing food,
silence, peacocks and
blossomed trees. Delhi, meeting Anil in a bookshop. Bangkok for a new visa.
North Thailand. Village, cottage. Honeysuckle at the
door, frog concerts at night. Magic, candles
and cigarettes. Writing.
Delhi. Research and photography job. Tantric practice in
Brindaban, versus tantric schools on the internet, the western version.
Delhi bazaar, creepy hotel. Dinner with a friend and a
friend of hers. Mescaline,
and I feel
light and safe as nothing can feel. As if things already
happened lives ago, and a memory came
from afar to meet us for
a night. Phone calls. Distance, mountains,
Gangotri, sleeping in temples. Birthday at the glacier,
a dip in the ice cold waters. 4500 m high, minimal vegetation, a
cave, a woman living in it. We talk for hours. Back to
Rishikesh, Delhi. Meeting Anil at his home, talking. Bombay, seven
exhibition, publication, interview. Amsterdam, Lyon, Berlin,
Geneva. Discussing collaborations. Transylvania, art centre with a
renovation, volunteers, donations, DJs. Gypsies from the
back street. Shocked neighbours. Video project, ten artists.
Cleaning, cooking, driving, shopping, producing. Presentation.
Doubts, gardening. Music project, odd gathering, collective
direction, lack of money, lack of
residency, dance project, video. Linear time versus cosmic time.
job, short term rentals.
Dressing up, making up, smiling. Taking a train to the ocean.
Long walks on the coast. Writing.
Back to Paris. Quitting job, moving
south. No incomes, renting cheap rooms. Summer, dance
festivals. Encounter, application, admission. Advanced performance
training, Belgium. Photography, artistic research, taijijuan.
performance, a letter and two lovers. Unfinished video. Writing
lost and exhausted. The welcoming house of a friend.
01.01.11. Writing. Spring,
roller skates, plans. Paris. Memories, darkness,
design, bonfire. Countryside, hills and herbs. Grants.
artistic praxis. Yoga with children.
Amsterdam, short stay. Kathmandu, Himalaya, India
again. Transylvania, recollection. Back to
school. Research proposals. Back to my