pain, scream, cry. Hands,
breast, voices. Water, cotton, skin, eyes. Smiles. Rolling, humming,
walking. Brother. Lines, letters, words, books. Hard beaten brother. Crying,
screaming, begging brother. Fear.
Caring friends, funny cousins, drinking uncles, bitter grandma. Ill
brother. High school, boys, girls, parties. Journals, mathematics,
revolution. Engineering, Real Time Systems, student life. Teenage friend becomes lover. Seminar on
cosy winter, countryside, thick snow. Sex. Seminar on women's rights. Pregnancy, separation, abortion. Gap.
Graduation, summer camp.
Amsterdam. Cleaning jobs, consultancy jobs. Datawarehouse and
Divorce. New job, technical management. Dinners out,
drinks, long evenings. Sunday Easter morning, phone call. Airport,
flight, home. Dark grey and much black. Chapel, coffin, brother.
Camera, picture. Coffin open, picture. Veil, picture. Unveil, picture.
Closer, picture. Hands, picture. Face, picture. Flowers, veil, coffin.
Fresh air. Funeral, priests, chorus, grave. Pieces of
earth are thrown on the coffin. I keep one in my hand, in my pocket.
Airport. Amsterdam. New boyfriend, new job. Trying, quitting. Writing.
space and a hot sun. Trains,
temples, sages, fellow travellers. Dreams, illusions, delusions.
Varanasi. Little piece of earth melts in early
morning dark waters of sacred Ganges. Goodbye
Back to Europe, Bush, Iraq, war, crisis. Back to India. West
Bengal, Tagore's art school, village. Five years old, barefoot Akash
walks from the garden, his T-shirt full of tomatoes. His smile,
his chest are wide open: All
... Varanasi, dance
scholars and fugitives, artists and beggars, yogis and
interview, intuitive painting. Agra,
romance. Delhi. Back
to Europe. Friends,
food, spices, pictures, stories.
Rietveld Academy. New
management job, new media. Superwoman time, burn-out
time, quitting time. Writing.
again, dusty trains and noisy busses. Sanatana
Mood, a nine months journey.
retreat, Vipassana. Goa,
waves, soft sands
and fresh mangos. Motorbike drives and empty stories. Kerala, new year
party. Mysore - nothing, Bangalore - too much, Calcutta - illness,
Varanasi - hospital. Blood tests, scans, diagnosis, pills: sixteen a
day to start with. Krishnamurti centre. Books, healing food,
silence, peacocks and
blossomed trees. Delhi, meeting Anil in a bookshop. Bangkok for a new visa.
North Thailand. Village, cottage. Honeysuckle at the
door, frog concerts at night. Magic, candles
and cigarettes. Writing.
Delhi. Research and photography job. Tantric practice in
Brindaban, versus tantric schools on the internet, the western version.
Delhi bazaar, creepy hotel. Dinner with a friend and a
friend of hers. Mescaline,
and I feel
light and safe as nothing can feel. As if things already
happened lives ago, and a memory came
from afar to meet us for
a night. Phone calls. Distance, mountains,
Gangotri, sleeping in temples. Birthday at the glacier,
a dip in the ice cold waters. 4500 m high, minimal vegetation, a
cave, a woman living in it. We talk for hours. Back to
Rishikesh, Delhi. Meeting Anil at his home, talking. Bombay, seven