If you please, draw me a diagram ...


Darkness. Light, pain, scream, cry. Hands, breast, voices. Water, cotton, skin, eyes. Smiles. Rolling, humming, walking. Brother. Lines, letters, words, books. Hard beaten brother.  Crying, screaming, begging brother.   Fear.   Caring friends, funny cousins, drinking uncles, bitter grandma.   Ill brother.   High school, boys, girls, parties. Journals, mathematics, revolution. Engineering, Real Time Systems, student life. Teenage friend becomes lover. Seminar on Ecology, cosy winter, countryside, thick snow. Sex. Seminar on women's rights. Pregnancy, separation, abortion.   Gap.   Graduation, summer camp.

Amsterdam. Cleaning jobs, consultancy jobs. Datawarehouse and datamining. Dutch man, Dutch passport. Divorce. New job, technical management. Dinners out, drinks, long evenings. Sunday Easter morning, phone call. Airport, flight, home. Dark grey and much black. Chapel, coffin, brother. Camera, picture. Coffin open, picture. Veil, picture. Unveil, picture. Closer, picture. Hands, picture. Face, picture. Flowers, veil, coffin. Fresh air. Funeral, priests, chorus, grave. Pieces of earth are thrown on the coffin.   I keep one in my hand, in my pocket.   Airport. Amsterdam. New boyfriend, new job. Trying, quitting.  Writing.

India. Infinite space and a hot sun. Trains, temples, sages, fellow travellers. Dreams, illusions, delusions. Varanasi. Little piece of earth melts in early morning dark waters of sacred Ganges.   Goodbye brother...   Nepal, Himalaya. Back to Europe, Bush, Iraq, war, crisis. Back to India. West Bengal, Tagore's art school, village. Five years old, barefoot Akash walks from the garden, his T-shirt full of tomatoes. His smile, his chest are wide open: All for you! ... Varanasi, dance lessons. Bookshop, chaï, freaks, scholars and fugitives, artists and beggars, yogis and traders. Prof. Shukla, interview, intuitive painting. Agra, wrong romance. Delhi. Back to Europe. Friends, food, spices, pictures, stories.
 
Amsterdam. Gerrit Rietveld Academy. New management job, new media. Superwoman time, burn-out time, quitting timeWriting.  India again, dusty trains and noisy busses. Sanatana Mood, a nine months journey. Meditation retreat, Vipassana. Goa, waves, soft sands and fresh mangos. Motorbike drives and empty stories. Kerala, new year party. Mysore - nothing, Bangalore - too much, Calcutta - illness, Varanasi - hospital. Blood tests, scans, diagnosis, pills: sixteen a day to start with. Krishnamurti centre. Books, healing food, silence, peacocks and blossomed trees.   Delhi, meeting Anil in a bookshop.  Bangkok for a new visa.

North Thailand. Village, cottage. Honeysuckle at the door, frog concerts at night. Magic,
candles and cigarettes.  Writing.  Back to Delhi. Research and photography job. Tantric practice in Brindaban, versus tantric schools on the internet, the western version. Delhi bazaar, creepy hotel. Dinner with a friend and a friend of hers.  Mescaline, he says and I feel nothing.  As light and safe as nothing can feel. As if things already happened lives ago, and a memory came from afar to meet us for a night. Phone calls. Distance, mountains, rest.  Writing.  Gangotri, sleeping in temples. Birthday at the glacier, a dip in the ice cold waters. 4500 m high, minimal vegetation, a cave, a woman living in it. We talk for hours.  Back to Rishikesh, Delhi.  Meeting Anil at his home, talking.  Bombay, seven bombs, opium.  Back to Europe.

Romania. Photography exhibition, publication, interview. Amsterdam, Lyon, Berlin, Geneva. Discussing collaborations. Transylvania, art centre with a garden. Dutch architects, renovation, volunteers, donations, DJs. Gypsies from the back street. Shocked neighbours. Video project, ten artists. Cleaning, cooking, driving, shopping, producing. Presentation.  Doubts, gardening.  Music project, odd gathering, collective performance. Empty winter.  Writing.  Lack of direction, lack of money, lack of air.

Paris. Art residency, dance project, video. Linear time versus cosmic time. Survival job, short term rentals. Dressing up, making up, smiling. Taking a train to the ocean. Long walks on the coast.  Writing.  Back to Paris. Quitting job, moving south. No incomes, renting cheap rooms. Summer, dance festivals. Encounter, application, admission.  Advanced performance training, Belgium.  Photography, artistic research, taijijuan.  Writing.  A performance, a letter and two lovers. Unfinished video.   Writing.  Amsterdam again, lost and exhausted. The welcoming house of a friend. 01.01.11.   Writing.  Spring, roller skates, plans.  Paris. Memories, darkness, pain.  Permaculture design, bonfire. Countryside, hills and herbs. Grants.  Dissemination as artistic praxis.  Yoga with children.  Research proposal.  Return.